Play!ng With My Monkey

Okay so he's not a monkey but "playing with my panda" just doesn't have the same ring.

Now chicken nipple, that has a ring to it.

I can't say for sure if a monkey will do what another monkey will do but it's a good theory.

If we by-pass the whole evolution thoughts and doodles, humans and monkeys are pretty much the same, right?

A better question is, does monkey do what another monkey says?

Husband and wife: no.

Friend and friend: sometimes if the situation is right or if one is more right.

Prostitute and patron: Only if he/she has money.

Friend and new acquaintance: Yes, only because on has a hidden agenda.

Potty Tra!ning.

Now I can't remember when I started training. I heard on one morning show yesterday about parents starting at 18 months to 4 years.

I do remember the first day of kindergarden. Don't ask about the pictures.

I remember riding a horse when I was really small. Course I could had been ten... I was short when I grew up but let's just say I was really young.

Now as you get older, you learn to do thing. Such as lifting the seat, wiping yourself after #2, not poking a fork in the socket.

Now that you are older, you really hate certain people who sit by your desk explaining how to do your job like you just started.

Now that's a pain dirtier than a big chocolate dish of exlax.

One !s The Loneliest Number.

"Aachooo!"

sniff, sniff.

I hope it's just allergies.

Push !t Until It Breaks...

Everything in life is conditional...

you just have to anticipate the conditions.

It's That Chewy Center Goodness

Unwrap yourself and find some goodness to spread.

!t Is What It Is.

Let me explain this. This will be the next big thing.

Mark my words.

As you may have noticed above this lovely poultry is some big nipples. Just for the record, in case you didn't know, chickens are not born with them. (But if you see chickens with nipples in your area, let me know)

This feathered friend has them but they are useless.

Why?

Well chickens don't have lips. Lil chicks don't suckle their mother. Chickens have hard beaks and pretty sure the nipples would be snipped off faster an eunuch can say ouch.

That is why "chicken nipples are useless!"

Which is why when you see someone crossing a 5-lane highway, they would be considered a chicken nipple.

That co-worker who lingers around your cubicle taking 30 minutes to give 5 minutes of information, a chicken nipple.

Trying to rob a nun of worldly posessions and not knowing they have no funds, a chicken nipple.

The dude that that keeps pushing the button that gives off electrical shocks and wonders why the food doesn't come out, king chicken nipple.

No matter if they sell chicken nipples for 5 cents a dozen, they are still useless.

You will start to notice them all around you.

Spread the word!

T!mber.

That black pit called a book store.

Do you have a collection of books that haven't been read yet?

My future library room thanks me.

R!ng Around the Rosy

The world goes round...

A football spins...

The toilet even rotates clockwise when you flush... or is it counter-clockwise? It's one way or the other depending on if you're half way around the world or not.

If you look carefully some of the people around you go 'round & 'round without realizing it.

Unlike the whole 3 steps forward, 2 steps back style. They think their smarter than everyone else.

Smarter because they are moving forward, making different decisions every day but really stuck in the loop.

Like how your dad's ugly old clothes are now retro geek-sheek.

Tetr!s On My Mind

Tetris, Tetris.

The Whole day through

Just an old sweet twist

Keeps Tetris on my mind.


Okay so the song doesn't really go like that but the virus is back.

I just installed Tetris on my ipod and it's great. I haven't played it very much over the last decade because, like Jerry Seinfeld, I choose not to play.

Just to let you onto a secret.....

I am the best Tetris player around.

When I first started playing back in the late 80's, the disease was deep inside. I had dreams of the blocks rotating and dropping.

I even played the sequel where the blocks dropped in a cylinder rather a flat wall.

It was really bad.

If I'm not at work tomorrow you will know where I'll be.

By the way... I just finished 40 lines in just over 5 minutes on the pod. That's half the time of my first game after installing this morning.

!nstant Relief

Staples Business Depot has the Easy button. You click it and "bam" instant solution.

Well I don't think it really works. I've beaten the one on my desk at work near death and nuthin'.

Oh and if you find a key on your keyboard that looks like the one above, don't bother tapping it. It don't work.

Dogs Do !t.

I'm sure others do it to if they are completely flexible but those not, well they have to leave the house for it.

But please, ask before you bend over to smell their ass.

Nothing Else Ruins the Truth Like Stretching !t

"dumm, dum, duh"...

That's how that famous standard murder mystery theme goes right?

I don't know, I don't have an ear for music notes.

Like most mysteries, truths are revealed later on.

When !'m 64

Okay I know the balloon doesn't say 64, but the song title isn't When I'm 29.

If you can live with the ozone layer shrinkin', I'm sure you can live with this.

The Bra!n Works Afterall... Who Knew

Now I remember what the post was. It came to me while I was talking about balls to the wall.

It was about making time for opportunity.

Take time to smell the roses...

Slow down and stop on the yellow light and smile at the hot chick in the car next to you. And if she doesn't have her boyfriend sitting next to her, ask for her number...

Ask the girl who is in the produce section picking out honey melons if she needs help squeezing them.... or not. Maybe it's better to just ask if she needs help.

Email that girl if she wants to go to the exhibition this year since it didn't work out last year...

Help that elderly lady cross the street... then hope she has a grand daughter that's single...

Ever wonder about that girls that runs in the neighborhood, well try running for more than five minutes so you can chase after her when you see her and then pass out in front of her... pray she knows cpr

B!te Me.

The Ante-Christ was telling me one day about how life's little problems can be solved one way.


Basically, even if the only thing left is a bruised apple, eat the bruises up too cus it will only make you stronger.


Or, in other words, balls to the wall.

Const!pated

Damn It!

I had a thought earlier today and now I've been sitting for the last 10 minutes trying to remember. I remember my title...

It isn't about how to keep your tires nice and liquid shiny.... but if you want to know, the new Turle Wax wipe on gel is great.

Nor is it about latent anger. Although someone would say I have plenty, there have only been a few times in the last 10 months that it lingers past the drive home. It's more about venting though.

Was it about the finale of Hell's Kitchen. Nope.

Oh for crap sakes. I don't remember.

Through The Look!ng Glass.

Is the grass greener or did I say that before?

A long time ago, I was talking to a friend about work.

He said that work is always busy, always things to do, never time to yourself.

I couldn't figure out how work can always be like that. Never having a moment to take a second and breathe.

That was until I started working there.

Even when work is slow, time seems to suck life out of you and still not find the time to smell the roses.

That Was Then And This !s Now.

"Okay, see my big mistake is.. I listen to you.

Then you change.

I don't change.

I only change for you.

You know, I'm over here and you're over there. So I go over there and I get there and you're somewhere else. Then I'm at the wrong place for no reason.

And you know what.

It's really not my fault."

- Paul Buchman, Mad About You

!t's How I Roll

At a flip of a wrist (or twinkle of the eye) we make a choice but it doesn't mean it works out the way we imagined.

You bet on red and black wins.

Leave a minute early and save yourself a rock hitting your windshield.

Butterflys stir, then the other boot drops.

Life is a crap shoot.

Let !t Out

When you lay dormate the time will come to just give at 'er.

Gett!ng On The Same Page

Ever get stuck on the bus or subway and you are brushed up against the next person reading the paper?

Next thing you know you're reading over the guys shoulder. The shitty part is when he flips the page and you haven't finished your article.

It relates to life. You wish you were on the same page with people but it ends up half a page behind.

Up !n Smoke

When you're lost on the road and you know it, do you drive faster to the place you know is wrong just to get to the right place on time?

I do that some times.

What if you go as fast as you can to the right destination...

do you look back?

W!nd It Up!

It's funny when the smallest things can get under your skin.


It could be something like finding short & curlies by the urninal...

Waiting in line at Tim Horton's for a twenty pack of TimBits while watching the cars outside moving along...

Seeing your boss count the weekend as two extra days off when you only take Thursday and Friday...

Life is funny.

Com!ng or Go!ng?

It's hard to know sometimes.

And harder to sort it out.

You Talk Your Way, !'ll Talk Right!

'Nuff Said.

How Much !s That Pussy In The Window?

Sometimes you have to ask otherwise it's left in the window.

Seriously.

Happy Box To Be !n

Everyone needs to be in their Happy Box once in a while.

That spot where everything you don't want is outside and all that pillowy cotton softness is inside with you.

If you hear someone knocking on your door, I'll tell you a secret.

Don't open it. Don't peek in the hole. Don't look through the blinds.

Just say No!

Go and find yours.