old year gone, one more to come aga!n

Now that we can call it a year of old shit, let's look to replace it with a new one.

Hopefully it will hold it's shape better.

can't press play w!th the past

Technology is a wonderful thing. Click your handy digital camera and you stamp a moment in time.

It's a little harder when it's 1973 and you're barely able to stand and hold your sippy cup, let alone take family photos.

I wonder who took that photo. I don't think we had a tripod. Did our camera even have a timer?

We should all remember to record the memories for others to experience and those who won't be around for a few more years.

Can I just say, I was a damn good looking little boy.

let !t snow, let it snow

Finally there is enough snow on the ground to write our names.

a s!te to see

One against the world but sometimes an unexpected surprise can bring a smile.

end of the l!ne

"We all go a little mad sometimes."

what's !n a year

Let's all celebrate another year of crash free goodness.

little b!t of red

Now that 'ween time is coming up in a week, we look back and wonder about the faces we protray.

The personal mask, the friend mask, the work mask, the best friend mask, the family mask, and best of the bi-polar mask.

We like the bi-polar mask because it's the split personality that we don't know exists but is there. It's like a flick of a switch and presto a whole new person. A side you talk to but later won't know anything.

Or wait, is it called lying and getting caught. Such a thin grey line between black and white.

pulling !t

Is it rude to pull your own weight?

I mean, you're not trying to show how strong you are or give the ladies a 'gun' show.

You're just doing what you do because it's what you need to do. Just because others have arms like Twizzlers and grey matter like a pea, you can't think about holding back because it could make others feel bad.

For the most part, they are so daft that they don't even notice.

Maybe I should call Jenny Craig?

lean!ng towards...

When you look at it, do you think "half-ass" or "full-ass" ??

It's hard to decide sometimes.

Some days you get up and you think I'm going to do things half-ass today. Everything I do. I'm going to work half-ass, drive half-ass, fuck half-ass... not put a full-ass into it.

Lord knows we need more people to do things full-ass.

crack !n time

It's October 6th and I'm wearing pants today.

Thanksgiving (in Canada) is just a week away and I'm wearing pants. What the fuck?

There is a balance to life. Wear pants for six months and shorts for the other six. Life is good like that.

I think this would have been the ninth year I would wear shorts until the first of November (last year I was a week away so 2007 still counts).

It's been a tradition of mine ever since my old boss made a bet with me to wear shorts until the 1st of November. No matter if it snowed, sleet or freezing rain - shorts below the waist.

I think my body is getting old. Global warming my ass!

step in and r!de that wave

Is it true when they say to ride it out? For better or worst?

Sure you can lose your shares on the stock market.

Sometimes you get so involved you want to see how it ends.

Like Two Girls, One Cup or Four Girls Finger painting or Two Girls, One Finger... you get the idea.

You can't help it. You look away but you turn your head back to watch. In shock but need to know what happens next. Confused but pulled in by the sheer drama. Enchanted by the hypnotic music.

Whatever it is, learn from your gut feeling.

!f heaven is a place where the angels go...

Well then I've got a story to tell.

If heaven is a place where the angels go.

Then I guess you're going straight to hell!

Such a good lyric from Theory of a Deadman's Little Smirk.

Or maybe the line from Hate My life...

So if you're pissed like me

Bitches, here's what you gotta do

Put your middle fingers up in the air

Go on and say "Fuck you!

Tough choice.

5th floor...h!story, memories and security blankets

If you don't like it, there are exits on every floor...

Doctor Gregory House should have his own reality tv show and it should be called "This is your floor now get the hell out."

Lesson 1: Everyone lies.

Lesson 2: You don't have lupus.

Lesson 3: (and very important) Everyone needs an enabler.

!s it too late?

I'm thinking of selling my man cherry (and when I say 'man cherry' I mean my penis, not the other place - you people are dirty minded) to the highest female bidder.

Except I can't take the lie detector to prove it's still all virgin like......

But I'll take the examination from a female doctor to make sure my parts are all good.

Any offers?

Hmmm... maybe Craigslist?

~ --------- ~

Canadian Tire moneys welcomed.

Gasoline also good.

Offer does not have an expiry date.

try!ng to get your finger caught in the jar

Take a piece of cheese.

Put it out there in a number of places....

In the corner.... behind the door... in the tub... tucked underneath the tv......

Wait for the bait to be seen.

"sniff" "sniff"

They take a bite and "Oh SNAP".

Nothing.

You may as well pay someone to stick their finger in the cheese and smell what the !nker is cookin'.

!ts just a number...

Doodle number 100 is just a number.

Just a number. And there are numbers everywhere in life.

... the age of the boppers at Dagobert in Quebec City were way too young - looks, quacks and shits a golden egg.

... the number of years that go by and it's still a déjà vu of years gone by.

... the 5% that my laptop battery will charge up to.

... the 1st of the month.

... the $$$ for rent.

... the number of times Wilson enables House over the past four seasons.

A!ring Out The Laundry.

Wring, wring, wring, wring...

Just like turning the handle of a Jumping Jack, the parts of your life will come back.

Like bell bottom jeans, old flames, that bad chicken breast last night... (you can flush, but sometimes it ain't going any where).

You keep turning it and you know what's gonna happen. Turn it slowly.

Quarter crank "bing". Quarter more "dink". Little bit more "dong".

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

"Boom".

Just like turning the handle of a Jumpin Jack, the game is in your head!

Fl!p Side of Life.

Heads or Tails.

It's an easy game.

You pick heads or you take tails, flip the coin, if you choose the side that faces up you win.

Straight forward game unlike others in life.

Availability to play is key to this game. If you don't care to play but still do, it throws off the odds in winning.

And no one knows the score at the end.

Running Around Town W!th Annette.

9 times out of 10, you can't be in all places so we have to chose where to make our mark.

Whether it's sitting at the bar having a drink...

Carrying boxes from the car...

Getting directions...

Feeding the cats while away at a conference...

or...

Just being at the wrong place at the wrong time....

Someone won't be happy, just don't let it be you.

Just !n Time.

Not 15,768,000 minutes too soon.

If it was like just 15 million, then all hell probably broke loose for a bit or some shit happening.

Timing happens for a reason.

Maybe you're not ready yet.

Or that other life line that crosses yours is running behind so you have to wait.

Whatever it is, it's for a reason.

Like fate. Destiny. Serendipity. Or that bowel movement last Sunday that came out of nowhere in the department store.

Happy times ahead. Or no doubt 360 days from now.

Cloning The Good L!fe.

While sitting down by the lakeshore earlier this week, I've noticed a few things.

On a good smog (less) day, you can see the CN tower from a very long distance.

In this city of millions, there are a number of very beautiful females roaming the city on any given day. World class beauty.

The water.... is blue/brown/green-ish.

Horse crap is hard to get off your bike tires.

And there seems to be more smaller dogs than regular dogs. Seriously, why these small little dogs no bigger than a large rat? So small. Tiny.

What happened to a regular size dog. Like a german shepherd. Their not big dogs. They are regular sized. Perfect to walk around with.

Now to find the girl before I get the dog.

Down With The Old, !n With The New.

Apparently there is no time machine for the past, but you can bury it and dig it up later.

It's like lint in your belly button. Once in a while you pick at it. Sometimes you forget about it. But it is always there like magic.

So why make the past guide the present and wreck the future.

Let's all take some notes and learn something here.

1. Don't work outside on your friends car when there is a windchill of -50 degrees celcius.

2. Move your fingertip off the edge of the ruler when cutting with an x-acto knife.

3. A glue from a hot glue gun is hot, so tell your friends that before they put it on you.

4. College lesbian experimentation isn't always a phase.

5. Hold onto your handlebars, pavement may jump out at you without notice.

6. The blonde from Girlicious is hot as fuck - that was more of a fact than a lesson. They're also in town.

7. Change doesn't come easy or with age. So don't kick the shit out of it when it takes your toonie.

8. Girls are hard to understand. This one is an ongoing lesson.

9. Cougars are not better than kittens and kittens are not better than cougars.

10. Don't crap on the same pile, otherwise you can't blame it on someone else.

Every Story Deserves V!suals

When all else fails, people always want to see pictures of mayhem.

It's like driving on the highway and the rubber neckers slow down and stare at the accident - even though nothing is there to see.

Everyone wants a good story.

What's !nside That Counts

If a donkey has no tail and was in a 360 mirror room, would he be a bigger ass?

Breakfast of Champ!ons

Blue eggs and ham, that's what I am. I am.

Breakfast doesn't have to change. It can be made to be one of the constants in your life.

That is until eggs are outlawed and the extinction of oinkers. Although MacDonald's do have their alternative in a McMuffin.

As a little one, your mother probably made you some eggs and strips of bacon on a yellow plastic plate.

As you get older, you can still have those runny eggs and crispy hard bacon. Dry enough to make powder.

There is no reason to change the diet.

Same when you turn ten.

More when you hit twenty.

At thirty, why not treat yourself and have someone make it for you.

Don't forget the plate or you'll have a mess on your hands.

Hair Tr!gger

Without a doubt the world has enough problems. But how many do you have?

Late nights with no sleep?

Getting the shaft for the lack of an excuse called "work".

A lil thing called cell phone envy.

Rain turn sunny.

Sometimes all it takes to push you over the edge is an ant walking in front of you.

That All-!mposing Presence

(Please read two posts below before this one and read the post below after that one and before this one.)

I like my job. Some people I know may think I don't and think I should move on but I like it.

I do, however, could do without a number of things that happen through out the day.

But....

If you don't, at least put on a happy face. At least on my bad days, I don't let the customers or clients know it's shitty or that the day is full of crap.

So for that nurse at Station 5 at the hospital yesterday, look as if you care when I walk up to the window to hand you the information sheet.

Or don't give me that "what the fuck, don't you know where the washroom is, you past it on the way up here" look when I ask where the washroom is for my dad.

________


For that EMT guy that I pulled up to just outside of the ER area. I know you were probably on break and talking to your girlfriend about what's for dinner that night, but could you be at least helpful when I ask for a hand rather than saying "I'm just a paramedic and you can't pull up to the ER doors, that's for the ambalance."

I was looking for a spot where I can pull up to take my dad into the ER, instead of parking all the way down the fucking parking lot without blocking other vehicles.

They "speaky no english" and I can't just drop them off while I park you fuck.

If you are going on a break, maybe hide somewhere where. Because when you look like a person of importance, people will come up to you for help even when you don't get paid for it.


________


For you doc, well, I know it was early evening by the time you saw my dad and there are other patients around waiting in line, but you could have at least cleaned the dried blood around the wound after you froze the area up for the staples. It may make it easier to dress it later or to clean it up.

Fuck, I could have done that at home before I brought my dad in if I knew you weren't going to do it. Or while I was waiting in line with the other folks.


_________


That's my small rant for today. Thanks for sticking around to the end of it.

I do thank the nice nurses at the admin area signing up the paper work.

Take A Bow...I !nsist.

(read post below prior to this one)

There are lots of jobs out there that get there undo attention and gratitude. And those people in the position of helping others deserve our thanks for the thankless jobs.

We have....

Our mothers.

Doctors.

The janitor that cleans that nasty, nasty toilet.

Nurses.

Care-givers.

EMT guys.

The jobs you see on that show Dirty Jobs on Discovery Channel.

Special needs assistants.

Men & Women in arms.

___________ Fill in the blank.

They do it all.

If You Wanted To Do Something, All You Have To Do !s Ask.

Apparently, there is a little bit of Evil Knievel that exists in my dad. My Dad who will turn 83 a few months ago. The daredevil himself who thinks his abilities from a child carrys through his somewhat elderly limbs.

There is a point in life where you say "fuck it" and milk the senior card. Pops, 83, and mommy, 81, my kids as I call them, will not grab that "get out of jail free" card and tell from the tree tops "wipe my ass".

That isn't them.... and lord help me, I'll probably end up the same way.

So the limbs of my young dad decided to not listen to his brain when he got up to go to the washroom. Instead, his stutter step turned into a head dive into the divider wall beside the fridge and apply a soon to be 2" war wound on the top of his forehead.

It was bleeding good. He was a trooper and didn't think much of it..... "a flesh wound, I say".

After waiting over two hours later in the Emergency Room, for a doc to freeze and staple the wound shut. Another 10 minutes for a nurse to wander in and toss a piece of gauze at the river of flesh & metal and wrapped his up good.

Boo-boo all better.

Polit!cally Correct

Is it not an insult to be less than the capability that you are?

C!rcus Ugly

Personal preference decide...

Good vs Bad.

Pretty vs fugly.

Phat vs fad.

Fun vs fustrating.

Enough vs Enough.

So what level is your cup at?

Cost of Dr!ving

140km of traveling : nominal future repair costs

8 hours of driving around Toronto : $23.00 of gas

5 stops : $170.00 in shopping

2 scoops of ice cream : $3.19

1/2 sunny day : no charge

lots of clouds : also free

new your fries combo : $6.75

1 navigator : relatively free

1 day of 365 : priceless

! Reject Your Reality and Substitute My Own

But is the grass really greener is the bi-polar just kicking in?

Loon!e For Your Thoughts

Everybody gets gas everyday. Some do it twice.


With all these people filling their tank, how many have filled up their tank and realize after that you don't have your wallet?

You forget to do the "bing-bang-boom" check in the morning.

Bing - front right pocket: keys.

Bang - front left pocket: pen, utility knife, jump drive.

Boom - back left pocket: wallet.

$18.01 on the gas reader later you go "oh shit".

Plung into your coin bin.... the secret bin.... the back-up bin.....

(I like having change for the parking meters)

After a few loonies, twoonies, dimes, nickels, quarters, one penny, and 5 minutes and 30 "ah shit", I had 7 cents left.

That's some sweet lovin'.

H!ps Don't Lie

Is it because of...

Kama Sutra manuver #105?

Old age?

Sleeping to the left?

Doing double-jointed twists when you're not double-jointed?

Or maybe, just maybe it's an old war wound?

We'll never know.

What !s Your Body Count?

Do you use an Uzi or a single shot pistol?

Everybody has their preference. At the end of the day you either have a room full of bones or just a rubbermaid container.

I'm particular with my targets.

W!bble, Wobble, Someone Has To Fall

Black. White.

Right. Left.

Door #1. Door #2.

Leave it in. Take it out.

Apple Juice. Orange Juice.

Lager. Stout.

Shut Up. Talk.

Who really has the upper hand?

Another Face !n The Wall

Life brings us many thing...

Sunrises.

Bee stings.

That hot office chick.

Passing grades of honesty.

The ability to recognize shapes and sounds.

The Bing and the Bang.

And the ever so popular television.

Somethings are left over rated.

D!d Dumbo Have ADD Too

Sometimes all you need is an ear.

Other times, a hole on either side of the head will suffice.

Do I Use My Powers of !nvisibility to Fight Crime or for Evil?

Seriously, if a dog farts on your bed, do you still blame him or claim it as your own?

Can it be any more evident?

Look!ng Glass

Situation:

Sunday dinner where my cousin's fiance meets some other cousins for the first time.


Awkward part a few days later:

mom - so those two girls that were at the dinner the other night, did you like either of them. If you do, I'll talk to her mom and set you up.


me - !!!!!!!!!

Art !mitates Life - Life Imitates Art

The chicken crossed the road because he was chasing the egg.

Or did the egg start rolling down the street, cracked opened and then the chicken popped out?

No matter how things go, there is always that reoccuring reminder of the past. Giving you kick in the pants to move forward.

Flypaper For The Sh!t That Happens

Let's see, it's technically still winter until the end of the week so that means having no heat or hot water would be considered "Fucked".

Apparently the furnice technician that was here is not capable. Why?

1. When you give him the cell number to contact you about the replacement part and he calls the house number. Check.

2. Doesn't tell you that when the part comes to the house, a technician doesn't come with it and you have to make a separate appointment for someone to come by. Check.

3. Tells you the tech department center is closed after 4pm but find out service is opened 24hrs. Check.

4. Told a tech will be there between 12:50pm to 4:50pm and they show up at 4:15pm. Check.

5. Doesn't realize the furnice heats the house and provides hot water and doesn't make mention to anyone else at HQ. Check.

6. Left another night without heat and hot water. Check.

7. Leaving the house at 14 degrees celsius. Check.

Now I'm left in the cold - still. The manager of the customer service department basically says I'm at the mercy of waiting and luck.

You Can't Get A Fish Tank Clean !f You Don't Take The Time To Piss Somewhere Else

'Nuff said, I believe.

Guitar Hero ! Am Not...

But nothing wrong with being a bad ass........

Everyone has some ass built in.

ps. I don't think my all five fingers on my left hand are meant to do that. It isn't humanly possible. Although it is good with that one particular finger.

Push !t... Push It Real Good.

Do we all know when to stop. Or Start.

Hide. Or seek.

Move. Or dive.

Watch. Or Turn.

Spin. Or flop.

Push. Or run.

Everyone has their limits.

L!melight

Do we really need to draw attention to ourselves with concealer, gadgets, type of person we're attracted to, beverage of choice, favorite author, movie star, artist, hem of our pants...

Or can we just be?

Go!ng Gets Tough...

And the balls goes to the wall on one weekend or another.

When The World's A Blur!n'

Ever wonder if you are coming or going?

For instance...

If you were dizzy and stood still in the forest, the trees would be spinning around you.

When you find yourself in the situation where someone talks and talks and talks and talks to you - talking so much - so fast - you feel the world is spinning around.

Your eyes roll in your head from listening to the same talk.

Yes the world will be blurin'.

Take a moment and let's look at our options.

1. Sleeping pill.

2. Sleeping pills and talk tv.

3. Watching the US. election shows.

4. Go to work. Wait no. That's suicide.

5. Let's not forget sleeping pills.

And finally.. sticking your head in the ground.

Book !! : Please Come Again.

Where are we now?

Well....

It's 2008.

A new season of doodlez.

Everyone is 5lbs heavier.

The satisfaction of no more Christmas music on all radio stations.

Being able to see more than just the colors of red and green on everything.

Roll Up the Rim will soon begin again - Tim Horton's here we come.